In the harsh world of poverty and darkness, anyone who can spare the price is wise to purchase one of the new life-changing spheres now available. These small devices, made of a hackey sack covering over a smooth laquered sphere painted with any design or picture imaginable, are said to have magical abilities to help a person achieve a better station in life. Simply attain a sphere with a design that appeals to you, keep it hidden away in your clapboard or corrugated metal shack, and watch as you slowly achieve your way out of the hellhole you're currently in.

When these devices first appeared on the market, their price was somewhere between $5 and $10, a staggering portion of income for anyone living in third-world conditions, but deemed a worthy investment for the magic they provide. However, as the spheres have increased in popularity, black-market dealers have begun to control the buying and selling of these items. Now the only spheres available for $5 to $10 are low-quality knockoffs mass-produced in China and elsewhere. The original quality of sphere, with the best workmanship and durability and most attractive laquered designs beneath the hackey sack covering, will now cost you at least $90. This price is completely prohibitive to the poor and so, once again, it seems the ability to improve one's station is reserved for those already rich.

Two prisoners attempted escape from the local prison last night. An older prisoner (rumored to be wrongly accused) enlisted the help of a younger convict in the endeavor. The two made it out of the prison block but were halted by the prison's barbed-wire fence, which in the chosen location was installed on precariously shifty rock slabs. The only way out was through an old white door, but neither of the prisoners could find a way of getting the door open without setting off the trap. Meanwhile, the guards on the hunt were getting closer.

A prison guard reports that he was searching the compound for the escaped prisoners when the elder convict walked up to him nonchalantly and allowed himself to be taken in. Only later was it discovered that this man was in fact a doppelganger of the actual prisoner, who had used a Jedi trick to duplicate himself and facilitate his escape.

URBAN MYTH DEBUNKD WOMAN DRINKS 5 GALLONS AND SURVIVES
Kingston, Cape Cod. Woman claims to have consumed more than 5 gallons of water and lives to tell the tale. It started at 2am when she woke with an "insatiable thirst" Ms. Smith claimed that after she drank all the Perrier in her fridge and downed half empty beer bottles left over from last week's Friday night beer brawl, she drank from her neighbors garden hose for several minutes. Still thirsty, she made her way to a motel 6 swimming pool across the street. "If there had not been a policeman nearby, I would've drank the pool dry" claimed Ms. Smith. Instead the parched pool purloiner made her way to the marina down the street hoping to slip quietly into the electrolite-rich seawater and drink to her hearts content. Ms. Smith changed her mind when she saw phytosaurs swimming alongside giant lampries and bubblegum flavered cephalapods in cloudy grey goose excrement. Quietly she waddled back to bed sucking on tequila flavored flavorice.
NEXT WEEK: WOMAN BREAKS GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS BY URINATING FOR SEVERAL HOURS WHILE SLEEPING AND NOT WETTING BED

If you haven't yet made your way to the house on the bay, you have a treat waiting for you. Three stories high and accessed solely by ladders and planks, this amazing abode is like something out of a 1700s adventure story.

I was invited to visit the house just the other night. I wasn't told what to expect. I climbed wonderingly up the hewn planks and rope ladders, surrounded by cats that navigated the strange gangways a little more easily than I did. When I finally reached the door, the family arrived to greet me.

"Who the hell are you?" they said.

I was a bit flustered, as I'd assumed they had been told I was coming. I mentioned I had been sent by Katie Loughney and they were suddenly all smiles. They said, "Oh yes, feel free to look around."

I didn't have much time to spend at the house, but I was thoroughly impressed by its fanciful design and believe it should stand as a marvel of engineering (and will be a big hit with the cats) for decades to come.